Can You Vague That Up For Me?

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What is it with me and cops?

Some of you may remember my run-in with the cop after I parked the wrong way in front of my house a few weeks ago because of the whole too-many-cups-of-coffee-issue.

Well, the weirdness continues…

Yesterday, I pulled up in front of my house after dropping the kids to school and I heard a plastic-y crunching noise. So I got out and looked and there was a pile of credit cards. I figured maybe one of my neighbors dropped them, but when I picked them up, I realized that they belong to several different people.

So, I brought them inside and called the non-emergency police number to find out what to do with them. The guy I spoke to said they’d send someone out to fetch them. When the knock on my door sounded, I grabbed the cards and peeked to make sure it was the police and stopped dead. It was the same dude from the “I had to pee real bad” incident. Now this may seem reasonable, but we have a police force of almost 250 officers, which means there are 80-90 cops per 12 hour shift. Even with our city divided up into quadrants, that’s still 20-25 cops for my area of town.

I went out onto the porch and we had the following conversation.

Cop: (with his hand on the handle of his taser) “I hear you found some credit cards.”

Me: “Yes I did. Here…these are for you.” (I handed him the plastic sandwich bag where I’d stored the credit cards so I wouldn’t lose them. You might think it wouldn’t be possible to lose a pile of eleven cards in an hour, but I’m amazing and can misplace anything in three seconds flat.)

Cop: “So, you found them in your backyard?”

Me: (befuddled by the fact that it’s the same cop) “Yes. Wait…no. Not in the backyard.”

Cop: “In the front yard”

Me: Yes. Wait…no.”

Cop: (Eying me a little strangely.) “Well, where did you find them?”

Me: “By your car.”

Cop: (Suspicious weird look aimed my way – at this point, I was worried that he was starting to think I’d stolen them myself)

Me: “I mean, I found them in the street, where the front end of your car is. Sorry…they’re a little gritty – I kinda ran over them. Accidentally.”

Cop: (Flipping through the cards) “Well, I’ll take these back to the station. Thanks for calling this in.”

Me: “No problem. Um…by the way, thanks for not giving me a ticket a few weeks ago for parking the wrong way.”

Cop: (Clearly trying not to laugh) “Yeah…I thought that was you.”

I worry that there’s file that has my name on it and it’s getting bigger by the month. If there is such a file, I’m guessing it says things like “crazy” or “odd behavior.” Oh well, at least it wasn’t the same cop who came to visit me when Betty the Biddy called about my children dancing naked in the rain.

Small mercies, right?

So does this stuff ever happen to you? I’m hoping it’s not just me, so if you’ve got weird cop stories, let me know that I’m not alone – lol!

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14 thoughts on “What is it with me and cops?

  1. Just you baby. Just you. Fantastic how he had his hand on the tazer when you opened the door. Sub-conscious preservation?? And you are amazing. Truly.

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  2. This is too funny, Bron…I love that you lose things in three seconds. I do that too! Hey, was he cute? Maybe you’ve got the makings of a story here…I can just see it:
    “Sure, lady. You’re coming with me.” Then she’s cleared of the charges and he asks her out. Indignation, but he is so cute…It writes itself! Let us know if you see him again…:)

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  3. When I took my driving test, the state trooper that was giving the test looked like John Denver. Anyway, he was realllly tall. And I’m short. The car had a bench seat so the trooper’s knees were up around his ears.

    I was doing pretty good until I hit the gearshift instead of the turning signal. Bam! The car stopped dead. The trooper went flying into the windshield.

    Verrrry calmly he directed me to restart the car and we went back to the DMV. Then he said, “You did not pass. You can come back anytime after twenty four hours to retake the test.

    I was back the next day. Passed the test with flying colors. When I went to turn in my paperwork, guess who was on the desk duty? My John Denver trooper…with a big black and blue lump on his forehead.

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  4. No…I look like a sweet little old lady with a flowered hat and all the cops tweak my nose and say “Now you stop going 100 in a 30 miles zone, granny”…and leave me alone.

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  5. Sorry, but it’s just you! LOL Funny story though. Might make for a good book sometime.

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  6. The naked children in the rain story makes me howl with laughter every time I read it. I love that story.

    And now you have two new ones. It would be hilarious for all three of these to end up in the same book.

    Just sayin’.

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  7. ROFLMAO! I’m with the rest. Put these into a book, Bron!

    Love you:)

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  8. I have used the big brown eyes routine to get out of a ticket or two…

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  9. Julia Barrett on said:

    Hilarious! I love that story! I actually have a cop after me. ME. Nobody else, just me. It dates back to The Great (blank) Park Dog Wars. I outsmarted him for four years and walked my dog off-leash to my heart’s content. He did everything he could to get me, even hiding in tick and snake-infested chest high weeds and grass. Never did catch me, not once. One time I parked my car in the lot and walked home – left it there all day long and he spent a 100′ day hiking through the dirt trying to find me so he could give me a ticket. Funny thing is, his brother is also a cop and a good friend of mine and he’s been my adviser for two books!

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  10. LOL. I’m with everyone else – the guy has to make it into one of your books!

    Kim Dare.

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  11. What a great story! And I’m with everyone else–this definitely belongs in a book!

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  12. Funny funny, Bron. And no, no funny cop stories. I do have a naked child story though. When my son was tiny (about 2, I think), he was running around the house on a Sunday morning. Husband was showering, shaving etc and I was cooking breakfast. Husband came out and said…hey, where is B? I say…I thought he was with you. He goes…uh uh. We go completely ballistic and look everywhere, finally run outside. He is butt-assed naked (having ripped off his diaper at some point) and was in a retired judge’s yard a couple houses down running through the sprinklers.

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  13. Too funny!:)

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  14. Nope, just you. The weirdest thing that ever happened to me was when I was asked if I had seen someone and got to say he went thata way.

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