Can You Vague That Up For Me?

Welcome to the corner of Quirky and Kinky where you'll fall in love every time you open a book.

Yes…this is my life.

You know that phrase, “In the parade of dumb and stupid, I’m the one twirling the flaming baton?” Well boy-howdy, I’m not leading the parade of dumb and stupid – I AM the parade. In a nutshell – I just flashed the damn Fed-Ex guy. The extremely hot (but stoooopid) Fed-Ex guy.

Here’s the Reader’s Digest version. I have an enclosed front porch. I have two small kittens. Hot guy knocks on my inner door, leaving the outer door wide open, with a package for me, I open the inner door a crack and say, “Please shut the door…I have kittens that I don’t want to get out.” He stands there staring like the village idiot.

Yes, it’s almost noon. Yes, I have my jammies on. Don’t judge me. I’m a writer. It’s what we do.

I feel comfortable stating that he wasn’t staring because of my ravishing beauty. Seriously – my hair is sticking out at weird angles, my glasses are crooked and I’m in my jammies. My ugly jammies. It’s more of a night shirt, really. It should also be noted I was sans undies – not that it was apparent while I was standing at the door, but more on that later.

So while, he stands there with a vacant expression on his face mumbling about needing to sign for my box of bookmarks, Morrighan and Willow – cutest and also naughtiest kittens in the world – dart around our feet while he says, “Oh…you have cats.” Why, yes. Yes, I do. I mentioned them earlier when I asked you to close the fucking door.

I yelp and tell him to move while I dart outside and scoop up the spastic little balls of fur. That’s when my jammie shirt flips up showing my bare ass. I should also mention the two cars that drove by while I was grabbing the kittens. I’m pretty sure one of them contained my neighbor, Betty the Biddy.

To make my day complete, as I stumbled up my steps with an armful squirming kitten, Morrighan clawed at my jammies, exposing my right breast to the Fed-Ex guy who continued to stare like Cleetus the Slackjawed Yokel.

I put the kittens in the house, signed for the damn bookmarks on one of those electronic signing things, after adding a small nearly illegible note that said, “Next time, close the damn door.”

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30 thoughts on “Yes…this is my life.

  1. I'm sorry sweetie. But I have to be honest, I laughed my ass off when I read it.

    I love you.

    XoXoXO
    D

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  2. ROFLMAO! Next time, whip out one of your bookmarks and hand one to him:) If he delivers the next package, I mean!

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  3. Oh.My.God…. Seriously, how do these morons get these jobs. I mean, does he actually navigate through the streets? Oh, right. GPS… Stupid safe.

    Very funny, girl. And I feel for you… though the guy probably didn't even realize as he was still trying to process… oh, you have cats?…

    Love it… and you know what they say… flaunt it if you've got it!

    giant naked hugs coming your way,

    Kris

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  4. Oh Bron, only you. LMAO

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  5. OMG! I should have gone pee before reading your blog. I should know better after your music video the other day.

    ROFLMAO!!!! and wetting my pants. Thank you very much!

    I'm sure you taught him a very important lesson, but probably not the one you wanted to teach him! LOL

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  6. Thanks so much for the laugh. What a gift to be able to laugh at yourself, and what a gift for us that you shared it.

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  7. Lol – poor thing!

    Well, lets look on the bright side – at least it wasn't the cop who came to collect the credit cards again…

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  8. I have so had days like this, if it makes you feel any better at all. I flashed my husband's CO once…by accident. I'd never been on the USS Constitution before, and my husband, KNOWING what dress I'd chosen (AND heels) didn't suggest I change. So, on I go and find I have to climb up and down stairs that were nearly ladders. To top it all and make it laughable, the inside lining of my ankle-length coat was the same material as the inside lining of my dress…so, I didn't notice that it was riding up all over the damned place, until I opened my coat.

    Brenna

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  9. Wow. That must have been sooooome package he had for you. 😉 Just think. You broke him in properly. His eyes are no longer virginal and you had the pleasure of fresh air blowing romantically (cough) up your skirts to “tit”ilate you.

    *snarkle snort*

    I love you, Bron.

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  10. OMG!!!!! Rolling on the floor! Laughing my big butt off! HOLY SHIT!

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  11. I believe he should end up as one of your characters. Not a hot one, no dearie, a corpse maybe. (If you'd written this, everyone would accuse you of making it up). Thanks for the laugh!

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  12. oh, sweetie, that's priceless!

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  13. And just how long did Mr. Dumbass sit in the driveway wondering WTF hit him?

    Bron, this is so funny. Yes, the author has every right to be in her jammies all day, it's comfy and we've been busy creating worlds for crying out loud. Flashing… well it's a perk?

    Hope you can laugh about it.

    Give kitties a hug for me

    Smooches

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  14. OH, WOW… can't say I've ever flashed my UPS guy… that I know of… (don't get FedEx much at my house) but I once opened the security door too hard and slammed it into his forehead… He now stands back from our door when he hears me coming.

    And, I don't see anything wrong with PJs at noon… we need to be comfy otherwise our characters aren't comfy… that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

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  15. Oh, I'm so sorry, but I can't stop laughing.

    If it makes you feel any better, I had a UPS guy banging on my door (I live in an apartment) once so hard that I thought there was an emergency and I'd just gotten out of the shower. I opened the door and dropped my towel at the same time. Yeah, not fun times, if it would have happened to anyone else, I would have laughed heartily. I can laugh now though, thank goodness.

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  16. Heh. Sounds like fun was had by all. Thanks for the smile!

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  17. I'm picturing this and agggghhh! Now I've got to get THAT vision out of my brain. No, no, not the vision of you in your nudity, but the vision of someone that stoooopid allowed to drive on public roads.

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  18. OH, shit. I mean, this is the cat's meow!
    Laughed my ass off!
    Thanks for this. Fridays need a lot of lovin' AND laughter!

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  19. As they say, “Hot” does not equate to “intelligent”. However…I will help train your FedEx man if you truss him up and ship him to me. It will only take a few months, and he'll be far more amenable to your commands when I'm done with him. Hehe hehe heh…

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  20. I'm sorry Bron, but that made me laugh so hard I scared the weeble, the dogs and 2 out of 3 cats!
    hugs,
    molli

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  21. Those delivery guys get voyeurism just handed to them on flesh-toned platters. Giggles*

    I wonder if they all get together at the end of the day and share stories. 😉

    Thanks for the laugh, girl!!
    Hugs –
    G.

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  22. Funny! Is this what I have to look forward to?

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  23. Okay, I laughed, but I so understand. Been there.

    Hugs

    Rebecca

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  24. Hi, Bronwyn,

    I'll take the kitties any time. (They CAN get you into trouble, can't they?!) Never mind the Fedex guy. He probably didn't even notice!

    Hugs,
    Lisabet

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  25. Brilliant! Love it, Bronwyn, thanks for sharing. He's not gonna forget you in a hurry 😉 Seriously though, it's just the sort of thing that would happen to me. Hugs!

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  26. I would comment, but I think everything has been said that needs to be said! Thanks for a big laugh!

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  27. I feel your pain! I once flashed a cop! He knocked on my door at 6:30 on a Saturday morning. Apparently, my son's car needed to be moved. It was really great when I sleepily nodded,bent to pick up my little dog and my boob popped out of my night gown. He blushed and actually stammered that I could take my time!

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  28. Thank you for sharing that experience! Sorry if you were embarrassed but it made me laugh. A good time because my own kitty is crippled right now and it was nice to hear your kittens are lively and running around.

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  29. Thanks for levitating my day from the dregs to the heights. Of course, I then had to read it to my friends. There really is a silver lining, might not be yours, but it belongs to someone.

    Thanks again,

    Les

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  30. Anonymous on said:

    I almost blew hot coffee out my nose when I read this.

    I really dont know what to say but the girls and I were laughing hysterically.

    Kim

    Like

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