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Satan’s Snowflakes

This week has been a PITA from beginning to end. Dead car battery, naughty kittens, stupid vets – more details can be found here.

Now I’d like to share the irony of last night. I hate cooking – really, really do. Not that I don’t appreciate home cooked meals…I just hate the cooking part. I want a replicator like they have on Star Trek. That would be fantastic, but I digress.

Yesterday, I decided that Chicken Marsala sounds delicious – so I went to the store, got some Marsala and mushrooms and started to cook. That was my first mistake. As the chicken was browning, I noticed something awful. There was a hugeass, hairy spider right above my head.

You have to understand – I hate spiders with the burning passion of a thousand fiery suns. I fear them as much as I fear clowns. Somone I know once said that spiders are not hatched from eggs. They’re unique – handcrafted by Satan himself each one as individual as a snowflake. In fact, she calls them Satan’s Snowflakes.

So I’ve got one of Satan’s special, special snowflakes above my head while I’m trying to cook and the damn thing it literally following me around the kitchen. Taunting me. Seriously. I’d stand by the stove, it would skitter across the ceiling to hang above my head. I’d move to the sink, the bastard would follow me. We did this repeatedly while I tried to make supper. Spider tag all around the kitchen.

Unfortunately my kids wouldn’t get rid of it for me because it was hairy and my husband was still at work. I called him on his cell to find out when the hell he’d be home. The conversation went like this.

Him answering the phone: Hey hon. I’m not dead in a ditch somewhere – I’m still at work.
Me: Actually, I didn’t call about your ditch status. When are you coming home?
Him: Probably not for at least an hour. Why?
Me: Because there’s a giant fucking spider stalking me while I’m trying to cook.
Him: I’m sure it’s not stalking you.
Me: Don’t patronize me! It’s totally stalking me. I think it wants me dead…or it really hates Chicken Marsala.
Him: I’m not patronizing you, but you do realize you’re attributing conscious thought to a spider, right?
Me: What part of it’s a spider don’t you understand? Satan’s snowflakes? Seriously, it’s following me around the kitchen.

(At this point I hear muffled laughter and realize I’m on speaker phone. GUH!!!!)

Him: Have the boys take care of it.
Me: It has fur – they’re not going near it.
Him: I promise – I’ll get it as soon as I get home.

He did indeed catch the spider and put it outside where it belongs and I’m currently spider free. However, I think there’s a lesson to be learned from all of this and that lesson is I shouldn’t cook. Because spiders will get me.

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13 thoughts on “Satan’s Snowflakes

  1. You're lucky you didn't end up with chicken-spider marsala! LOL! It could have fallen into the pan!

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  2. Oh god, Fran…that's what I was thinking!

    I see a scene ahead…H is trying to cook romantic meal for H. Enter 'killer' spider. She screams; H comes in and saves the day…after destroying said kitchen, food, stove, etc. Tears, hugs, much consoling. H and H have sex on table as stove falls apart?

    Or something like that! Or flip it; make HIM deathly afraid of the KS??? How funny would THAT be?

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  3. Yeah, I kept thinking the spider was going to fall in your skillet. OMG. Wouldn't THAT just suck?

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  4. I, personally, think spiders have no evolutionary need on the planet and should be eliminated. Heck, they don't eat the mosquitos so why bother.
    I so get you. One RAN, and yes I mean RAN across the floor at me the other night… just about ran across my toe… I convinced Kyle to get it, but he decided to play with it first… why exactly did I have boys if they won't kill bugs without hesitation. And it was HUGE! One of those fucking wolf spiders tripped out on steroids.
    I think Matt deserves some payback for not being sympathetic enough and not dropping everything to come to the rescue… where are the spider knights when you need them?
    Love the post. Glad it's gone..for now. And I'm with you. Take-out's cheaper in the long run.

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  5. I suppose now isn't the time to mention that I used to collect spiders…?

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  6. I used to be afraid of spiders, no more. I just stick them outside. I don't like to walk through webs though because I really don't want a spider on my face. Now clowns…one of my worst fears! Hate them with a passion! I do love to cook, though. Hire me, babe, I'll cook for you! When Beauty and the Feast comes out I'll send you a copy – it comes complete with recipes.

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  7. I hate hate hate hate hate am terrified of the bastards. When I was about 11 my bedroom got an infestation of spider mites. And I swear to you, even after the exterminator came I couldn't sleep in that room. It got so bad my parents actually had to move.

    I understand your fear honey.

    I had a friend crash her car into a light pole because a spider dropped down in front of her face while she was driving.

    I probably would have done the same. I become frozen in fear at the sight of them.

    Ick

    XoXoXo
    Dakota

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  8. Clearly the solution is not to stand in front of a hot stove, cooking. You should have used your crock pot.

    http://www.crockpot-recipes.com/main/chicken-marsala.html

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  9. You were on speaker phone?
    What a Bridget Jones moment!
    Hehe!

    I hate spiders, too. They need to invent a spider gun for the bigger ones.

    LOL
    G.

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  10. I told you the story about DH stepping on a tarantula, right? I could have sent him over in his tennies.
    Now, as for stalking spiders, did it have a little notebook to write in, and a wristwatch (or eight?) maybe a camera? You are seriously overestimating your importance in the critter world.
    Satan's Snowflakes. OMG!

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  11. chicken marsala sounds good – now i know what i'll be having for dinner.

    and the phone conversation… he actually put you on speaker phone??? well, at least, he got rid of the spider, right?

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  12. I think you had a web attached to the top of your head and it was trying to nest. You're a homewrecker. Good thing you didn't locate it's little baby hairy spiders yet. But if you're in the shower, those aren't water droplets splashing from your hair to your back.

    I'm just saying.

    (I shall now expect a call and horrible screeches.)

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  13. I'm glad Matt finally dealt with the Spider. I've never heard spiders referred to as Satan's Snowflakes, before. Me – I love to cook, however, definitely do the Crock Pot thing – homemade goodness, little mess, turn it on in the morning and forget about it for 6 – 8 hours.

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