Can You Vague That Up For Me?

Welcome to the corner of Quirky and Kinky where you'll fall in love every time you open a book.

Some amusement…well, it made me giggle, anyway

As many of you know I read things wrong all the time. I read Grand Rapids Dominicans as Grand Rapids Dominatrixes and Polar Expedition Vacation Bible School as Bi-Polar Exhibitionism Vacation Bible School. (I actually had to turn the car around to re-read that sign.)

My mom misreads things often, too. She read the McDonald’s sign that said, Try Out New Angus Burgers as Try Our New Anus Burners. The great thing about my mom is that it didn’t immediately occur to her that she’d misread the sign. Her first thought was that McDonald’s was incorporating jalapenos into their menu. Gotta love my mom – lol.

Apparently, I’ve moved on from misreads to mishears.

I was doing the carpool run the other day and the boys were talking about video games and Justin was going on about tactical slots. Only I thought he said, tactical sloths.

Me: (very confused) What’s a tactical sloth?

Justin: (looks at me like I’m an idiot) It’s a three fingered mammal that sometimes comes out of it’s tree to whisper in your ear – Attack from behind. Tighten up your left flank. Use the pincer maneuver.

I laughed so freaking hard. I wish I was that quick and clever…but alas, I’m not. I do adore that kid, though.

I have to preface this next story by saying that despite living in Michigan (the land of snow and ice) I rarely wear a winter coat. I wear this awesome hand knit poncho that my mom made for herself back in the 60s. I adopted it about 10 years ago and have been wearing it ever since. I hate getting bundled up and since I’m usually only going from the house to the car, I just wear the poncho.

Okay, so Killian and I were looking at switching cell phone service. We were standing in the AT&T store, checking out phones when Killian starts nudging me with his elbow.

Killian: Hey mama, I think that dude’s talking to you.
Me: Huh?
Killian: (gestures with his head behind us) That guy, he’s talking to you.
Me: (turns to see a guy in his late 40s or 50s shopping for phones with an elderly woman)
Guy: Hey girl!
Me: (surprised to be called ‘girl’ but am pleased none the less. Ten years ago, I probably would have been pissed, but now, I’m okay with it.) Yes?
Guy: Hey girl! It’s cold outside! Can’t you see the snow?!
Me: I can indeed see the snow.
Guy: Then why the hell are you wearing that…that…that carpet around?
Me: (moderately offended at my beloved aran knit poncho being referred to as a carpet) It’s a poncho, and I’m fine, thanks.
Killian (sing-songing in a very quiet voice) Flypaper for freaks. Flypaper for freaks.
Me: (giggling) Shhhh.
Guy: (clearly getting agitated and angry) Hey girl! You’re going to catch your death out there!
Me: I promise, I’m fine, but thank you for thinking of me.
Guy: I’m serious! It’s really cold out there! You need a real coat! Why don’t you have a real coat on?
Killian: (still quietly singing) Flypaper for freaks. Flypaper for freaks.
Elderly woman: (tugging at his arm) Leave her alone.
Guy: C’mon, ma! Can’t you see I’m trying to save a life, here?!

One of the AT&T employees was horrified and amazed. Apparently he’d never seen a complete stranger berate another stranger before. I told him that this was nothing. He should come to the auto repair shop with me, sometime.

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14 thoughts on “Some amusement…well, it made me giggle, anyway

  1. “Flypaper for freaks.” Love that phrase!

    Hmm. I wonder if you were lurking around somewhere in the store when a guy went apeshit at me for buying the last gluten-free muffin?

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  2. I probably was – lol. Apparently, I bring out that sort of behavior in people. 😀

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  3. Hahahahaha…Killian knows the drill:)

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  4. You don't KNOW how much I needed a good laugh today. HA. BTW…I misread things all the time, too, often with hysterical results.

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  5. OMG… good thing I was not drinking during this….
    Anus burners… jalepeno…. I so love your mom.

    Great post. Made my day. Now I will go run and smile the whole time, while battling raging rivers.. yup, the ark might just go by, only I hope this time they toss me a line.

    Oh and tell Justin I love his quick wit too… tactical sloths… you really do need to watch those video games a bit more. I'm so telling Kyle and Jared this.

    hugs,
    kris

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  6. O girl *wink*, you made my day! I could use a good laugh 🙂
    I'm gonna try to find a nice Dutch translation for your son's phrase. Yes, we do have freaks in the Netherlands too! 😉

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  7. Awwww. I want a poncho!

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  8. Love. It. Love your son too!

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  9. Too funny:)
    Glad to hear I'm not the only one who has eyesight that invents words:)

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  10. PS Your poncho sounds wonderful! I love it sight unseen.

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  11. Freaking hilarious. 🙂

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  12. Aren't you glad he didn't say, “Hey lady. Did you make that rug yourself?”

    😀
    G.

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