Can You Vague That Up For Me?

Welcome to the corner of Quirky and Kinky where you'll fall in love every time you open a book.

A Rant. A vile, disgusting rant.

If you’re easily disgusted, don’t read any further.

Let me start out this rant by saying I love my son. I love him to pieces. I would do anything for him. He’s a sweet kid, wildly creative but easily distracted.

For the last two weeks, I’ve been reminding him to pick up the legos on his bedroom floor. Fast forward to tonight and the following conversation.

Corwin: (stumbles down stairs, looking a little green.) Clean-up on aisle one.

Me: What?

Corwin: I tried to make it to the bathroom…but I chunked on my bedroom floor. I got my retainer out in time though.

Me: (sobbing on the inside) Awesome…

So, clutching paper towels, a plastic bag and a container of clorox wipes I head upstairs to discover that my darling son never picked up his legos like I’d asked. Now, I’m not talking about 50 or even 100 pieces, I’m talking close to 1500. 1500 fucking legos that are now covered in puke. So much that I have to call for paper towel reinforcements and a bucket to put the legos in. I’ve never seen so much puke in my life. Never, and I’m a parent and former child care provider. Honestly, this kid had the coverage of a frat boy after four or five keg stands.

While I’m cleaning up this specfuckingtacular mess, Corwin’s cwtched up in my bed. My beautiful, comfortable bed. All of a sudden, I hear the unmistakable sound of retching child.

Me: Please tell me you didn’t puke in my bed.

Corwin: I’m sorry mama.

Me: (fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck) It’s okay, honey. Just hang out in the bathroom for a bit.

I’ve just spent the last two and a half hours on my hands and knees cleaning puke and washing legos. Now, I’ll be up most of the night doing laundry since he cleverly manged to cover my sheets, my blankets, my quilts and my pillows. Yeah…frat boy…keg stands…epic coverage. That’s the kid I’ve got.

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21 thoughts on “A Rant. A vile, disgusting rant.

  1. Waaaah! 😦 Poor both of you…

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  2. Thanks honey. 🙂 Willow climbed into bed to cuddle with him while I was reading to him and he said, “Kitties make everything less yucky.” It was very sweet and also true.

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  3. Very true. 🙂

    Unless you step on kitty puke in the middle of the night, that is. 😉

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  4. Oh Bron….

    Okay, that brings back too many memories. One of the kids I watch never throws up… except at my house or… wait for it… in my car.

    Let's just say, the poor boy was down to his underwear and had Syd holding a bucket so close to his face he couldn't see over the top… needless to say she didn't want to get puked on…. again…

    Hang in there. He's sounds soooo much like my two. And how sweet to say kitties make things better. He's a keeper… but he can lose the stomach flu.

    hugs,
    Kris

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  5. Ohhhh, big mommy hugs to you! Big, big hugs.

    Sometimes momming is the most digusting job on the planet.

    There, there, dear.

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  6. @ Chris – oh how often I've stepped in cat puke in the middle of the night…

    I once got an email from someone whose signature line was “No matter where I am, you can bet I'm cleaning up cat puke.” I've considered cross stitching a sampler with that on it.

    @ Kris – Awwww – poor Syd. 😦 I don't blame her for shoving his head in a bucket – lol. A couple years ago, my daycare kids got home. Jess came into the house giggling, Carl followed looking very sheepish and Abby was last looking furious…and wet. I asked her what happened and she announced that Carl had thrown up on her on the way home. She didn't speak to him for days. 😀

    @ Marg – thanks for the hugs, honey. It's sooooooo disgusting. The momming – not the hugs. 🙂

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  7. LOL! I don't think I saw that one in Subversive Cross Stitch

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  8. LOL! My darling K puked in our bed twice in one night. The SU had to go to the 24-hr Meijer for new sheets, as we lived in an apartment and the laundromat closed at midnight.

    I feel your pain, sweetheart, but thanks for the laugh!

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  9. I'm so sorry for COrwin upset tummy. Very true statement. (((hugs)) to both of you.

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  10. Oh, Bron, honey… I'm so sorry. Can I just say though, that you responding to the initial barf news with “awesome” is totally you? I can see you saying it and the manner in which you said it and it totally cracks me up. But seriously, I'm bummed for you. Tell me you got the bed taken care of and the feeder bag covering your kid's head before the newest wave of ew?

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  11. Ironically, you wouldn't have even needed to tell me it was Corwin…

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  12. @ Chris – Subversive Cross Stitch! I love that book! Hey Cait, if you're reading this blog, I want my damn book back!

    @ Molly – Ugh…I always knew Meijer was good for something besides sucking up all my time (I swear there's a time flux in there) and my money. 24 hour access to clean sheets is really important.

    @ Simone – Thanks for the hugs. He's feeling mostly better now.

    @ Mia – Corwin went to bed with the giant metal mixing bowl – which of course scared the crap out of us when he kicked it out of his bed at about 5am.

    Also, was it the “easily distracted” descriptor or the phrase “clean up on aisle one” that tipped you off to the child in question?

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  13. I think I actually bought the kit for F*CK hearts. That would involve me learning how to cross stitch…

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  14. I found your blog by way of Chris, of Stumbling Over Chaos fame, and I love the way you write.

    I just bought my son some Lego's this weekend and given the price, I would have spent the day washing puke off of them, too. I feel you.

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  15. @ Chris – cross stitching is sooooooooo easy. I promise. Way easier than knitting. Cait made that pattern on black fabric – it's adorable!

    @ mamatulip – thank you – both for reading and saying lovely things! (Chris is made of awesome, isn't she?) I'm glad you're with me on the legos – hubby thought we should throw them away. Foolish man.

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  16. *blushing*

    I met MamaT last summer while I was on vacation. She's made of awesome, too. 😀

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  17. Okay. Been there. Done that. And you have all my blessings, honey. Children ARE disgusting from they day they're born. But eventually, they make up for their messes.

    Hang in there!

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  18. Ah Bronwyn- I winced in pain for both you and your son! I have cleaned up a bathroom floor covered in puke from an epic drink-off while drunk and it was nowhere near as epic as this. Sending hugs to both of you! And love what your son said about kitties…so true and sweet all at the same time! 🙂

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  19. Kim In Florida... on said:

    I feel so badly for you.
    I've had that Happen. Amber even threw up in my hair once.. She was five.
    Ashley puked between the couch cushions once and then on her fathers clean clothes.

    Im so sorry. It sounds like you had the worst day ever.

    Hugs. Love you! Hope that it goes better!

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  20. Years ago, my eldest son puked right next to my head on my pillow in the middle of the night. I hope he's learned to actually CHEW his macaroni and cheese since then.

    I wonder if Legos are dishwasher safe . . .

    😉
    G.

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  21. @ Anny – They are messy little cretins, but they're pretty awesome. 🙂 Thanks for the blessings – I need 'em!

    @ Danielle – Thanks for the hugs, honey! I need those too. He really is a sweet little guy.

    @ Kim – Ugh!!! Amber and Ashley!!! I will take puked on legos any day over puked on hair! Hell, I'll take legos over couch cushions too!

    @ Genella – UGH to pillow puke!!!! I'm pretty sure those little plastic treasures are dishwasher safe, but alas…we have no dishwasher. *SOB*

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