Riding in Cars with Boys – Part Seven
Well, the school year has begun, and I’m slowly adjusting to dragging my poor body out of bed at the asscrack of dawn.
I had horrible news on the first day of school – Mitchell would no longer be riding home with us – except on half days. We were all completely bummed out. Riding without Mitchell? Who would ask the obvious questions? Who would touch Justin inappropriately to get his way? Who would try to lasso mailboxes as we drove by?
Killian, Justin and Not-Kevin were as bummed out as I was. Not-Kevin missed Mitchell so much, he named his backpack Mitchell and occasionally sticks his hand inside it and makes it speak – puppet-style. Interestingly enough, the faux Mitchell actually says very Mitchell-like things.
Though it’s been an adjustment not to have Mitchell with us every day, the after school rides are still entertaining beyond belief. This was the conversation that took place Friday as soon as Killian, Justin and Not-Kevin piled into the car.
Justin: Mrs. Killian’s Mommy, we need a Horn o’ Gondor.
Me: I hate to break it to you, but the ring has been destroyed, there’s no need to call together the Fellowship.
Not-Kevin: And that’s why you’re the cool mom. You know of nerd-like things. But we still need the horn.
Me: So why do you need the Horn of Gondor?
Justin: Not the Horn of Gondor – the Horn ‘o Gondor. There’s a difference and we totally need to call together the Fellowship.
Killian: There’s a quest!
Not-Kevin: We need a boat!
Me: Does this have something to do with Girl Island?
Justin: How did you know? See, Johnny-boy-D is having some trouble with the ladies.
Me: The boat was a dead giveaway. What kind of trouble?
Justin: The kind where the girl he likes is love with this dude who doesn’t know she’s alive and she cries on Johnny-boy-D’s shoulder all the time, and meanwhile, he’s going “I’m here! Pick me! I know you’re alive!” but…
Me: But…he’s firmly in the Friend Zone?
Justin: Exactly! And even though there are epic tales of guys who have escaped the Friend Zone, we all secretly know it’s impossible. They’re just myths passed down to give nerds hope. So we need the Horn o’ Gondor to call together the Fellowship and venture forth to seek Girl Island, the land of hot girls who love nerds.
Me: I thought we’d established that Girl Island was college.
Not-Kevin: Dude, you can’t expect us to wait that long! Besides, the island is out there. It has to be.
Me: I think we’ve exceeded the maximum level of melodrama this car can contain.
Justin: I bet you know where the Horn o’ Gondor is and just won’t tell us.
Killian: It’s probably in her purse.
After convincing them that the Horn o’ Gondor wasn’t in my purse, I suggested that they find a hot girl who loves nerds and just ask her the way to Girl Island. I suggested Justin’s older brother’s girlfriend.
Justin: No can do, Mrs. Killian’s Mommy. It’s like once they get here, they have no memory of Girl Island.
Killian: It’s a brainwashing technique to keep Girl Island from being overrun by desperate nerds in need of love.
Me: So hot girls are sent forth from Girl Island with nothing more than a vague desire to meet nerdy boys who play W.o.W. and Starcraft?
Not-Kevin: And Halo!!!
Justin: Well, when you say it like that…
Me: Okay, no more disparaging of your mythos. Who’s all in the Fellowship?
Justin: Well, me, obviously, Johnny-boy-D, Other John,
Not-Kevin: Me! Me! But not your kid.
Me: Killian can’t be part of the Fellowship?
Justin: A.) He already has a girlfriend who’s been brainwashed and can’t tell us the way back to Girl Island and B.) I think said girlfriend would be very upset if Killian joined the Fellowship.
Killian: Uh…yeah. That would so not be cool.
Not-Kevin: Plus, that would just be greedy. Are you sure the Horn o’ Gondor isn’t in your purse?
I’m seriously tempted to make them a horn and bring it to school one of these days.